Parenting:
Supporting a child’s natural creativity is far more relaxing and rewarding than forcing a curriculum on them.
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Loving a child is not about managing our actions. We are all learning to undo the guilty thought that we separated ourselves from reality. That’s why we find ourselves embodied.
The idea that we can be responsible for our own actions is a projection of the idea that we are separate from reality. It’s also the crux of the ego’s argument against reality.
The only responsibility anyone ever has is the choice between guilt or innocence. Et, whoever assumes responsibility for action is already denying their responsibility for making the only choice that will eventually end the reign of ego.
As parents to our children and to the whole world, we are meant to demonstrate how to surrender responsibility for action and joyfully take responsibility for the only choice that really matters.
In this way, our children and everyone else can learn of their innocence from us rather than how to assume responsibility for something that’s only an effect of what they’ve learned so far.
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Healing through Perceived Abusiveness
A parent who seems abusive, mean or neglectful toward their children is being misperceived. In other words, you are not seeing them clearly. They may not be seeing themselves clearly either.
If you find yourself judging them, it’s a sign that you are trying to escape a guilty feeling by projecting its cause outward.
You don’t really have any power to make that parent guilty, but seeing them that way provides a sense of temporary relief from the pain of guilt and that’s why it’s a common practice amongst people.
The only trouble is that what’s causing your guilty feeling also gets protected, which allows it to gain intensity over time and manifest itself as miseries in your life.
A parent who seems abusive, mean or neglectful toward their children becomes your responsibility because they arise in your perception, and perception is the only thing that can be healed.
The whole purpose of having that misperception is to bring up the guilty feeling so that you can choose to let its cause be undone. What defends against undoing your guilty self-concept is fearful thinking, as if judgment will save you from becoming a bad parent or save children from their bad parents.
In fact, judgment will perpetuate the problem, because the only problem is misperceiving, and judgment is what gives reality to misperception.
If you are even a little bit willing to deny truth to judgmental thoughts and look past what you think you see, whether within yourself or within others, you will find out how to reclaim your power to use your mind creatively, for saving everyone from the pain of guilt, including yourself.
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Dillon 10-Day Update:
As many of you know, I’ve been playing in the role of surrogate mother to my 10-year-old nephew, who was on psychiatric drugs and considered to have serious behavioral issues.
When I visited his family in Henderson, Nevada, he was a bit nervous to come with me all the way to Hawaii, but after a few days, he seemed incredibly excited. In the airport, Dillon expressed fear of not being on the drugs because he thought I would become angry at his behavior. I assured him that that was impossible.
For about the first week, Dillon seemed to be working very hard to incite anger in me, in every member of my family, and in anyone who wasn’t giving him their full attention. It was obvious to me that this way of being was just a habit that had become his way of calling for love.
On the airplane, Dillon would burst out in laughter, pain or otherwise make loud sounds that would startle me and the other passengers. At one point I found myself covering his mouth and when I removed my hand, he was smiling at me. I smiled back and let him know that people are trying to get some rest. He was doing his best, but still, the outbursts would come, and I was given the opportunity to exercise patience.
At home, the loud outbursts and other seemingly odd and disrespectful behavior continued while many “I’m sorry’s” came from Dillon without any immediate change in behavior.
I did not enroll Dillon in school because he has no desire for it. Dillon has been with me most of the time, even when I’m working because that’s where he wants to be.
After letting him know several times that I need quiet while I work, Dillon was still making loud outbursts, even though he has a Kindle Fire with plenty of movies, games and other things that he enjoys very much and that could very easily keep him occupied.
I watched as attack thoughts about him occurred to me, but I kept refusing to hold onto them. Sometimes those thoughts stuck with me, but not for very long as I could see the suffering they were making for me. I watched myself and members of my family became unnerved with Dillon and I kept refusing to make anyone at fault.
My 11-year-old son, Braun expressed that he wants Dillon to go back home because he is “so annoying”, so I let my son know that if he still feels that way in a month, I’ll send Dillon back home. Dillon heard this and expressed fear that if he was sent back home, he would be sent to juvenile hall. I told Dillon that I wasn’t concerned with that and if/when he’s sent home before June, it will not be because of his behavior but because he and Braun did not integrate.
I also let Dillon know that if he pays attention he can learn how to integrate anywhere and with anyone he wants. I also related to him that the loud outbursts were not working for me while I was working and that he was going to have to stay in his room if he could not keep quiet around me for the 3 hours or so that I needed to focus on other things. I said that he could try again each day to keep quiet and then go to his room if needed.
A few days later, Dillon calmed down and he’s been able to keep quiet while I’m working, keeping himself occupied with his Kindle Fire. He’s also demonstrating more maturity and respect for himself and everyone else.
Meanwhile, I’ve been taking Dillon out of the house to engage in community activities almost daily. At first, his habit was to complain a lot. Instead of being in awe of the beauty all around him, for the first few days, Dillon kept finding something wrong and jumping between elated, fidgety and pained. He also had a habit of yelling out as if he just became seriously injured.
We arrived in Hawaii on a Wednesday night, and the following Sunday was his first Puna style Sunday Funday. This includes ecstatic dance, then a clothing-optional beach with intense waves that break right on the shore, then The Lawn, where many people gather to play music, eat, and engage in activities such as tightrope, frisbee, soccer, gymnastics, etc.
Dillon was afraid to dance because he said that people would make fun of him for being a bad dancer and afraid of getting naked because people would make fun of his small penis. I let him know it was safe to dance, be naked and to be himself, that it was not likely that anyone would make fun of him, and if they did, it doesn’t matter. I also let him know that dancing and getting naked were both optional.
Before we embarked on the clothing optional beach Dillon told me that naked people were disgusting. I let him know that he was talking about me because I was going to be naked in a few minutes. He changed his mind immediately and while he has kept his suit on, he doesn’t seem to mind the nudity at all.
He was much more interested in the waves breaking right onshore. He got immense enjoyment from experiencing the wildness of the ocean while staying grounded onshore.
Dillon took very well to all of the activities at The Lawn and even danced a bit in the drum circle. He’s had no problem integrating with people in the Sunday Funday environment.
Dillon has also been swimming at the community pool, played basketball with other kids at the community center and had lessons in aerial silks. This week he’s going to receive lessons in balancing and juggling skills at a circus community center.
His second Sunday Funday was even more fun for Dillon. He joined me for a few minutes of ecstatic dance, played in the pool after the dance, learned how to use a bullwhip at The Lawn, improved his tightrope skills, deepened his connections with people and made some new connections.
At home, Dillon told me that he wants to be a YouTube star, so I informed his father that Dillon could use a computer. When his father came up with stories of scarcity, my husband and I did a little research and purchased a suitable computer for him on Amazon.
Dillon was very grateful and relieved to have his creativity supported, and that night he entertained us with dances, jokes and his fun personality.
Last night, Dillon said he was sorry for something and I told him that he never has to be sorry because he’s always learning. I asked him if he would apologize to his teacher for getting a math problem wrong, and he laughed and said: “Why would I do that?”. I said that life is the same way. I told him that he can just appreciate what he is learning as he watches himself be changed.
Dillon then informed me that he can’t change because of the past. I asked, “What about the past?”. He said that because of how he’s been in the past, he’s going to keep being the same way.
So I asked Dillon if he’s noticed any difference in his behavior. He told me that he feels much calmer and more mature. I communicated that I see it too. I asked him why he thinks that is, and he told me that it’s because he feels happy.
He related a story to me of how he found himself going all the way upstairs to his room to put something away that he would have normally left on the couch. He said with emphasis that he would have NEVER done that at home in Henderson.
I told him that no matter what other people think about how well he’s learning, he can choose to just be happy that he is learning and the past won’t matter. That as long as he’s happy, he’s going to learn easier and faster.
I also related to him that his family in Henderson has been seeing him the way he sees himself, and because he was holding a poor image of himself, he kept drawing the same reflection from his family. I told him that he may have learned to see himself that way from his family’s reactions, but that he didn’t have to keep teaching their reactions to himself.
I asked him if he can imagine being loved, respected, supported and appreciated at home and he said “Yes!”. I told him that it was all within him and that he can totally learn how to express himself in a way that changes the people around him.
Needless to say, I’m super excited to continue this adventure in love and consciousness. I’m also excited about having a conversation with Dillon’s parents about how they can support this highly creative and intelligent child.
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More Adventures as a Surrogate Mother:
A few days ago things got a little rough for me, in a playful way of course. Dillon seemed to be acting antagonistic and I seemed to be feeling annoyed.
Understanding for myself that this is all occurring in my mind, and that antagonism is a call for love from within myself, I take responsibility for all that I perceive. I go through emotional turbulence gladly and the breakthroughs come quickly.
That night Dillon related to me that his mom (stepmom) told him that if he’s sent back home early, she will send him to juvenile hall.
I told him that sometimes adults say things out of fear and they don’t really mean those things. He replied, “Like when my dad says he’s going to fuck me in the face or rip off my head and shit down my neck, but he never really does those things?
“I chuckled and said “Yes. just like that.” I let Dillon know that people who are hurting say and do hurtful things but that he can learn how to be protected from harm.
He said “But my reputation is so bad that when I go back home I’m just going to be punished some more. I asked him if he’s aware that reputations can change? He instantly perked up and said “Really?!”.
I said “Yes! That’s one of the things you are here to learn, is how to change your mind, which will change your reputation. Your parents are learning too. They want to have a happy, healthy relationship with you.”
I related to Dillon that because he was afraid of being sent home early and going to juvenile hall, it was causing him to act antagonistically because the mind has a way of seeking the very thing we are afraid of.
I shared with Dillon about how to undo the habit of being an antagonist by passively watching what’s motivating his actions and what he hopes to get out of relating with people in that way.
We talked for a little while as Dillon opened up and imagined a whole new way of being. When we started this conversation, Dillon was fidgety. He was wringing his hands, scratching himself and complaining of being itchy, having a headache and having a tummy ache.
He also seemed to be having trouble focusing his eyes on me. I told him that all of those pains were just habits set up to keep him from focusing on what we’re talking about. He said, “But I really want to talk about this.”
So I held his hands gently but firmly and asked him to look at me. When his eyes moved, I reminded him to stay focused on me.
While we were talking Dillon completely calmed down. I let go of his hands and I asked him if he noticed how calm he was. He said “Yes”. I asked him if he knew why he was so calm and he said it was because I was talking in a calm voice, that he liked what I was saying and that he was glad I wasn’t mad at him.
I could see that over the course of that day Dillon had projected that I was mad at him and that I was going to send him home for his bad behavior. Because he believed he had already messed up, he was made to act out even more and to manifest physical symptoms, not to mention getting smacked a few times by my son who is around the same age.
He also told me he was afraid that he was going to forget what we talked about because he always forgets things. I let him know that if he forgets I will remind him again and again, that we both want the same thing for him and that he can’t get it wrong.
As we were communicating he saw how he was only making up a story about me sending him home for bad behavior. That thought did cross my mind throughout the day but I didn’t pay any mind to it because I immediately saw that it was meaningless just like the perceived antagonism and my perceived emotional reactions to the antagonism.
The next day (yesterday), there was markedly less antagonism and other attention-seeking behavior and more helpfulness and self-sufficiency.
I’m having fun watching how my projected feelings and thoughts fluctuate with these seemingly different perceptions and it’s rewarding to encourage and inspire this child’s return to peaceful awareness again and again
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Update on Dillon’s Integration
Many of you may recall that my 11-year-old son Braun wanted to send Dillon (his 10-year-old cousin) back to the mainland because he was “annoying”. I told Braun that if he still felt that way in a month, Dillon would return home at that time.
Well, the other night, the three of us were playing Uno when Dillon said to Braun, “It seems like you like me now because you let me into your room”.Braun started singing “
Yes! Because you’re actually a nice person“, and then Dillon sang back “Then that means I can stay longer than a month“, and Braun sang back to him “Congratulations!“. Then Braun did an expressive dance before we continued on with our game.
Dillon still seems to be attracted to making conflict, which was being expressed during our Uno game that night. But Braun seems to be able to roll with it now that he sees how much Dillon has already calmed down and how much fun we can all have together.
During the game, Dillon tried to lie and cheat and he accused me and Braun of trying to look at his cards. Braun and I both expressed that we weren’t interested in playing like that and even if his cards were exposed, we were going to try not to look at them because that makes the game less interesting.
Dillon seemed to get the message that we like playing in a friendly way and that he could let his guard down and just relax and have fun.
We were able to play three games with Dillon winning none of them, and by the end, he seemed perfectly content with the outcome.
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I’ve noticed that Dillon tends to feel unsafe and insecure, and react as if his very survival depends on being seen and heard. That kind of expression has been a major turn-off for Braun, who generally feels safe and secure and who is generally attracted to people who feel the same.
As Dillon has learned what it takes to be friends with Braun, he’s been allowing himself to just play with Braun instead of trying to get a big reaction out of him. Still, when Dillon gets preoccupied with getting Braun’s attention, Braun lets him know that he doesn’t like it.
For instance, Dillon was accustomed to using sexually explicit words to get a reaction out of people, so he would often burst out with words like “dick, balls and booty hoe”. Being with Braun has been putting that in check because Braun finds it dumb and unfunny. In fact, when Dillon would make a joke that used sexually explicit language as the punchline, it would tend to get Dillon an “unfunny joke” slap from Braun.
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Last night, Dillon got the computer we ordered for him and I helped him set it up. It took a few tries because he would get very antsy and impatient, and I’d find myself stopping. He would ask me to help him again and I would let him know that I would be willing to help as long as he was chillin’. He eventually got the message and discovered how to find relaxation while engaged in the project with me.
At this point, because Braun is getting more comfortable with having Dillon in the house, it appears that Dillon is going to be able to stay with us for the entire 9 months we had planned. Dillon expresses that he loves his parents and siblings very much and he misses being with them. He seems very excited about returning home in the spring with a new perspective and a clean slate.
Much appreciation to the parents for giving Dillon this opportunity to discover another way of being and for their willingness to learn another way of being with him.
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Protecting Innocence
Dillon came to me after being conditioned with extremely guilty self-talk, constantly saying he’s sorry, how bad he is and what an idiot he is. He’s also expressed the need to self punish because I wasn’t punishing him.
When he’s acting out of guilty self-talk it looks like he’s being a “bad boy”. I see him look at me for the reaction he expects, and it’s my joy to break his expectation, so I pray for the guidance and grace to see past guilty appearances in order to be a true reflection.
A few nights ago, Dillon asked me to tuck him into bed even though he wasn’t going to sleep yet. (He’s been staying up watching YouTube until he passes out.)
I asked him what it meant to “tuck him in” and he said that I give him a hug, a kiss and say a prayer with him.
The first night he thanked God for the great day and for Aunty Hope being so nice to him. Then he asked me to say a prayer and so I thanked God for Dillon and asked God to show Dillon that he deserves all the kindness.
Last night we had the same routine. This time Dillon thanked God again and then asked God to forgive him for all of the sins he committed that day.
Then he asked me to say a prayer and I prayed for Dillon to see that he’s never committed any sin and that he’s completely innocent.
After the prayer, Dillon told me that someone said that it was good to pray for forgiveness every day, and I let him know that’s very common because most people believe that they have sinned and they pray for forgiveness because they are afraid of God’s punishment.
He then said, “But if I don’t ask God for forgiveness, then he won’t forgive me and I will be punished!” I then related to Dillon that God doesn’t know about the things he thinks he does and that it’s up to him to forgive himself for believing that he’s capable of doing anything that would make God angry.
I also let him in on the secret that the more he thinks he’s sinned and needs forgiveness, the more sinful he’s going to become in his own imagination.
Dillon asked if not believing in sin would stop him from doing bad things. I related to him that he’s already innocent, that it’s impossible for him to do bad things and whenever he thinks he has done a bad thing, he’s only making it up.
He seemed very excited about that, although he starts to sweat and he gets fidgety when he hears it. That’s how I know he’s heard enough for the moment.
Every day with Dillon is a blessing that I cherish. I appreciate every opportunity to protect our shared innocence in the midst of a world that aims to destroy it.
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The other night Dillon prayed and thanked God for showing him that he doesn’t have any sins to forgive and that he can’t sin.
He seemed to get that so easily and since then he seems to have shifted into another dimension, with more ease and comfort.
The day before he told me that his mom always tells him how bad he is. I told him that he may not hear it from her when he returns home, and even if he does hear it. He doesn’t have to believe it!
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You and your children share one purpose, which is love. Your child is love, answering your call for love. But it is going to be impossible for you to answer that call as long as you are wishing your child has come for another purpose. In love!
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Kids test me to see what kind of reaction they will get. I love to be tested so that I can see for myself what’s possible.
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When one of my sons tried out school in the 5th grade, he was sent to high school for reading class because he was reading at a 10th-grade level.
Thinking that I had some kind of magic homeschooling curriculum for my son, the teacher asked me very intently how I got him to read like that. (The kids in her class could barely read and they had been attending school since at least kindergarten).
When I told the teacher I just let him do what he wants, she looked at me in horror and dismissed his learning as an anomaly.
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Punishment or “discipline” is showing respect for the bad the parent thinks the child has done while showing disrespect for the child’s innocence, which the ego encourages parents to destroy.
Thankfully no one can destroy anyone’s innocence, and every parent will see only innocence in their child when they’re done using the child as a scapegoat for their guilty feeling.
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Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted–John Holt
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Dillon Update – One Month:
Dillon tells me he feels like he’s on vacation because he doesn’t have to go to school and he can watch YouTube and play video games all day.
What I see is that he’s also eager to help out, he’s inquisitive and very social. Also, from my experience with my own kids, he’s accelerating beyond his school-attending peers intellectually.
Dillon seems like a very different person from when he first arrived in Hawaii. He’s reflecting more of the maturity, calmness, and respect that the parents were trying to accomplish through conventional discipline, punishment, therapies, and psychotic drugs.
In fact, the evidence was clear that all conventional means had utterly failed. That’s why Dillon was sent to me in the first place.
Dillon came from a household where the prevailing thought was that bad behavior deserves punishment, and “too much” YouTube or video games qualified as “bad behavior”. The parents seemed totally stressed out and at their wit’s end with Dillon.
I’m encouraging the parents to allow themselves to trust Dillon’s choices because their trust in him engenders peace, fosters maturity, activates creativity and accelerates learning.
But the parents have some inner work to do before they can allow themselves to trust their child’s choices. While a parent is subscribed to the idea that children are meant to be controlled, allowing them to make their own choices is seen as neglectful, and being a neglectful parent is not an easy perception to have. Nor does it serve the child.
What’s being encouraged here is a complete change of heart and mind. For that to occur, the parent must be willing to recognize that everything they learned about their role as parent is backward and upside down.
Children have come to teach us, not the other way around. To let them lead the way takes willingness to go through emotional pain that serves as our defense mechanism for holding ourselves in a position of authority and in resistance to change.
Whether Dillon’s parents are willing to surrender their misbelief and face their emotional pain remains to be seen. In any case, Dillon came to answer their call for more peace and freedom and he will continue to do his “job” because he loves them.
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The home isn’t meant to be a battleground, but the parent who perceives bad behavior and makes it real values battle more than peace.
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Respecting Kindness
If your kids act disrespectful, and you respond as if that’s wrong, it increases their disrespect toward you, even if they are too afraid of you to show it.
But if you respond to disrespect with kindness, your children will learn self-kindness, which manifests as respect.
The ego’s idea of how kids learn is way different from how they actually learn. The common parent often seeds and feeds the behavior they don’t like because they use their perception of bad behavior to justify resisting their child rather than embracing them.
The alert parent recognizes opportunities to extend love and is willing to seize those opportunities
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When I had the perception of my nephew lying, I told him that people only lie when they are afraid. So I asked him what he was afraid of.He told me he was afraid of getting in trouble. I let him know he was not going to get in trouble no matter what.Now he just tells me what’s up. I think he likes being unafraid of getting in trouble.
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Undoing what causes projections of disrespect.
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It doesn’t matter what words you are saying. If you are saying that because of the children’s behavior they need punishment or discipline, that they need to learn a lesson, it is a demonstration of your belief that you are unworthy of love and you’ve done something that deserves punishment. So, you project it outwards, you project it onto your kids.
You can feel if you want to punish, discipline or teach someone so, just watch. I am not giving you advice like, “Don’t do that.” What I am saying is to watch it play out and see how you feel about it. Find out for yourself how you feel about the situation.
You can tell the difference whether when you are saying something or doing some kind of action whether it is coming from a feeling of love and acceptance or trying to manipulate something.
(Quoted from Wisdom Dialogues episode Everyone is Like Your Child)
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The sense of being unloved and rejected feelings is your doing. You’re projecting those feelings. So, just get the feeling effect of your misbelief and your actions will be taken care of.
The perception can shift so fast. It is very shifty. If you are meant to comfort your child, you will find yourself comforting him. You don’t have to make the decision for yourself and the thing is, you can’t make that decision. You can only decide to either project or allow healing.
Basically, all we need to “do” is see those projections for what they are. It is just a matter of choosing what’s true in the midst of perceiving the effects of a guilty concept.
Surely, there is no such thing as guilt.
(Noted from Undoing Guilty Perception)
